The figures are alarming: one in every ten children is experiencing bullying. Eighty-five percent of children who suffer from it never tell their parents. Eight out of ten teenagers have witnessed bullying at school. NGO Bullying without borders

Suicide is now the leading cause of death among children and adolescents (isn’t that terrible? The number is twice that of traffic accidents), and 17 percent of bullied children attempt it. Since the pandemic, psychiatric emergencies among young people have increased by 50 percent, and anxiety-related problems by 47 percent. (Spanish Association of Pediatrics (AEP)

We must do something. We cannot look the other way.

What is bullying? Bullying is generally understood as unwanted, inappropriate or aggressive behaviour in which one pupil or group has real power or behaves like they have more power (perceived power) than the pupil(s) being targeted. The behaviour is often repeated over time or is likely to be repeated, but bullying can also be one violent/harmful incident. It may cause physical, emotional, social or educational harm. 

Many established definitions also refer to an intention to hurt, frighten or humiliate. In practice, however, teachers may not be able to establish intention immediately. A pupil may say that an insult, image or exclusion was “only a joke.” This does not mean that the impact should be dismissed. When one pupil is hurt, asks for the behaviour to stop and it continues, the situation requires adult attention and intervention.

Bullying can happen face to face or through digital media: cyberbullying.

What is not bullying? Occasional disagreements with classmates or isolated fights between friends who have similar power (meaning there is no real or perceived power imbalance) are not considered bullying.

Let us look a little deeper. Today we find families that face different challenges and difficultis, e.g., separated families where children cry when holidays arrive because they do not want to go to one parent’s house. Communication sometimes breaks down: many children do not talk to their parents about difficult situations or their challenges, and parents do not talk to their children either.

Children grow up in very different circumstances, and families may not always have the time, resources or support needed to meet every child’s needs. Even when children are deeply loved, adults may sometimes struggle to provide the guidance, stability or attention they need.

In such situations, school can offer an additional source of support – a safe and encouraging environment where children experience positive relationships, discover their strengths and gain new opportunities to thrive.

Schools, too, face significant challenges. Teaching is a demanding profession, and educators are often expected to manage conflicts, assess complex situations and respond to difficult behaviour while continuing to create a safe and productive learning environment.

Many teachers do not yet feel sufficiently equipped to address bullying effectively. 70 percent report feeling unprepared, while 71 percent of parents believe that teachers would benefit from additional training in bullying prevention and intervention (educaweb stuy). Providing educators with appropriate knowledge, tools and institutional support is therefore essential.

In schools and secondary education centres, we are overwhelmed by excessively dense curricula that leave us no room to breathe. There are moments when life itself is more important than the curriculum, even inside the classroom. We need to know when to stop. Ten years ago, a teacher in a secondary school experienced the suicide of one of his students. The next day, he entered the classroom, burst into tears, placed his hands on the desk, and said to his students: “I am useless. If in a whole year I was unable to see that your classmate needed help, what is my work worth?”

School leadership teams also need training to properly apply coexistence and anti-bullying protocols whenever necessary.

Returning to bullying itself, we find a triangle with three protagonists:

  • the aggressor,
  • the survivor,
  • and the bystander.
    • Bystanders may assist and help the bully,
    • be reinforcers (who cheer and encourage the one who is bullying),
    • be passive bystanders (who stay uninvolved),
    • or defend. support and comfort the one who is being bullied, afterwards or during the bullying itself).

What are potential reasons behind bullying?

 

Bullying can stem from insecurity, a desire for social status, fear of becoming a target, difficulties with emotional or behavioural regulation, learning challenges, or problems with attention and impulse control. Some children may also minimise their responsibility or describe the situation differently to adults.

 

Children who experience bullying may show stress through withdrawal, irritability or aggression, including at home, especially when they feel unsafe about returning to school.

Possible solutions

Let us begin at home. Parents need guidance and training, although it is not easy to reach them. Attendance at parenting workshops and information sessions is extremely low—less than 10 percent. Parent-teacher meetings and tutorials should be used to share educational guidance with families. Many parents desperately need it.

Parents must pay close attention and talk with their children to detect whether their child is being bullied or acting as a bully.

  • Changes: noticing things that were not happening before, such as falling grades, sleep or eating problems, damaged school materials, or lack of interest in social activities.
  • Cutting classes: skipping school.
  • Body language: the body does not lie – children “shrink” into themselves, look at the floor, or become easily frightened.
  • Customs and routines: arriving late to class or leaving quickly to avoid aggressors, omitting activities they loved to do.

The first step is detection: listening to the child, believing them, and informing the school. We must also be careful because sometimes children who were bullied in primary school become bullies themselves in secondary school.

Parents should speak directly with their children and ask whether they have witnessed intimidation or what they think about bullying.

During meetings with teachers, parents can ask questions that help them understand their child’s wellbeing, participation and relationships at school:

 

  • How does my child engage during lessons?
  • Does my child appear comfortable and included?
  • How does my child interact with classmates?
  • What does my child usually do during breaks?
  • Who does my child spend time with?
  • Have you noticed any recent changes in their behaviour or participation?

It is important for children to participate in activities outside school and develop friendships in different settings, as this can strengthen their support network and reduce feelings of isolation.

At home, parents must encourage dialogue and listen carefully. Children should learn how to report harmful social media profiles or posts. Their self-esteem must be reinforced, and help should be sought from the school.

Parents should also know the chain of action: tutor, head teacher, principal, supervisor, education authorities, and if necessary, the media or even the juvenile prosecutor. If no solution is provided, reporting the situation becomes essential.

Not bullying Association highlights six phrases that should never be said to a bullied child:

  1. “Ignore it.” Daily humiliation cannot simply be ignored.
  2. “They’ll get tired of it.” If nothing is done, bullying gets worse.
  3. “It’s not such a big deal.” Everyone knows what hurts them and how deeply it hurts.
  4. “If they hit you, hit them back.” A bullied child often cannot defend themselves alone. Of course they must be protected, but through lawful and supportive means—with help from teachers and the school.
  5. “You’re exaggerating.” In reality, the child is probably telling only half of what is happening.
  6. “It’s because you are…” The child needs support and trust, not blame.

Teachers urgently need training, and we must never look the other way. If we treat a cold early, we prevent pneumonia; the same applies to bullying—we must intervene as soon as possible. Saying “they’re just kids’ things” is perhaps the worst phrase of all. These are not “kids’ things”; they are things happening to children, and adults must resolve them.

We also need to prepare “defender bystanders” so they are not labelled as mere informers or “snitches”. For this reason, tutors should have at least one individual tutorial session with every student.

As former professional basketball player Iñaki Zubizarreta reminds us, the most important factor is breaking the silence.

Bullying must be called by its real name: it is a form of violence. It is not a game, and it cannot be justified. We are all part of the problem if we remain silent. Do not strengthen a bully with your silence. Never look the other way. It is not “just a children’s issue.”

A Final Reflection

There was once discussion about building a reform school for boys, and the opinion of a famous educational expert was requested. He passionately defended humane educational methods and urged the founders not to spare resources in providing proper support.

He concluded by saying:

“If you manage to save even one child from moral destruction, all the expense and effort invested in such an institution will have been justified.”

Later, a member of the board asked him:

“Have you not exaggerated slightly? Do you truly believe that saving one single child would justify all the expense and effort?”

The expert replied:

“If it were my child – yes.”

Every child is worth the effort and deserves care and support.

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